C'est la vie

Today was less than amazing

I woke up feeling like pms shit.
Ate approximately four slices of frozen oven cooked pizza and a bowl of ice cream.

Felt awful about myself. All day long.

Then the irritable hormonal depressed feelings kicked in while I was with my boyfriend. ( I dont see what he sees in me ) we played pool and that was okay…but then we went to the mall….he does this thing where he will ask about something this time it was why arent malls just circular? Ill respond with something like I dont know and he’ll set up this debate almost and he argues passionately about why the mall isnt round. It drives me fucking nuts. I can usually handle it but ive noticed when my period comes around I am so sensitive to it and it makes me want to duct tape his mouth closed. By the end of the night I caught myself saying “I just dont care” so then i tried on a dress i wanted to maybe wear for sunday which is a concert with him. Hated myself cried a little and then vowed a fast as I grabbed my fat around my ribs. Of course I walked out of the dressing room fine but I broke downin the car when he said im hungry and you need to eat to. The tears just fell and he was like…..what did i do. And I didnt want to talk about it because its stupid.

Now im drinking a 0 calorie drink and still pissed at myself. Im so angryat myself. I should be thin by now. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Going to a sound garden concert on sunday

Really ashamed that by now i’m not able to wear cute flirty skanky things when I want. 

I am so pathetic. It’s 2013. I started this shit when? 2012? God. Help me. To motivate myself to run and do pilates I will list things I would wear if I weren’t such a pathetic spineless girl. 

A cute bralette of some kind 

A lace tank top 

a tight high waisted skirt 

and ankle boots. 

Ugh I wish I had collarbones. I mean the kind that are breath taking. 

I’m working on it. I can go burn calories.

Day Four

“What is your biggest fear about weight loss?”

This question for today is so fitting. My birthday is in a month. June 29th. I will be 18 years old and I will have a whole new section of life open to me. For those of you who say “oh youre just a day older and it doesn’t make a difference”. You guys need to open up your eyes and see that YES everything is different.

With that said, all I think about is being a new person for my eighteenth. The person I’ve always wanted to be. My highschool career has been anything but a career. I haven’t ever been much of “me” I am not defined by the things I love or am good at. I just swing by and do what I have to. I work, do necessary homework, and blog. I feel that this is the way it is because I have never ever liked the person that I am. I have never ever been proud of myself. I hate the way I look. I am not special or different; quirky or unique whatsoever. People ask me where I will go to college and what I am going to do. I get so angry when they ask because, I feel like I will never go anywhere in my life. How could a person like me ever do well in anything anyways? People have never liked me. I’ve never been a favorite. I get well with guys and am called beautiful often but I know that it’s all fake. It’s easy to be beautiful to a person who wants something from you. I’m very awkward and just plain.

My biggest fears about weight loss is just that. Not losing weight. I go through these cycles where I go full fledged at a regime and then two days later I tell myself “ Why are you trying? You know you’ll never be good. You deserve to be fat. Don’t kid yourself. “  I am my worst critic. Sometimes it feels like i’ve got a catty bitch up in my head wanting me to fail at everything I do.

That sounds crazy. But it is what it is. I just hate myself so much. I wish I was someone else.

I just wish I was thin.

Okay! I am successfully motivated

I am going to roller skate to the track run a mile on it and rollerskate home. 

That will get me at a net of 0

Because I had peanut butter. So that means I’ll be full but I will have burned off the calories leaving me the ability to NOT eat and stay at 0.

Today is going to be MY day. 

Day Three

A picture of your thinspiration. Why do you prefer this person? Say hello to Hannabeth Merjos She’s this super awesome blogger with an amazing sense of style. Looking at her photos makes me want to continue my regime because she’s my height! Literally. That’s why. I just can’t look at tall models and be motivated because I know and think to myself even at that weight I would look NOTHING like them because of the height difference. But with HannaBeth’s photos her petite frame and shortness are like mine so I can think to myself “Hey get your shit together and you WILL look like that”

Day Two

“Do you like your heighth, and what is your heighth?”

Well I am a short person. I am about five two I think or at least five three.

Sometimes I like my height because most boys i’ve met are into “short girls with big boobs”. Although I attract guys being short and curvy sometimes I wish I was taller so that I would thin out. I don’t know how I feel about being taller though. like maybe five seven at the most. I like being my height.

Day one stats

My Stats.

• Height: 5 foot 2 and 1/2

  Age: 17

  CW: 136 lbs

  GW: 129

  UGW: 115

  Favorite Diet Food: apples, water, nuts and dried cranberries

  Favourite Binge Food: Pizza, cake, ice cream, pasta, cheddar broccoli soup

  Favorite exercise: Running, skating,

  Does anyone know?: Yes

  What makes you slip up?: People telling me to just eat. Telling myself I don’t deserve to be thin and just giving up and binging because it’s inevitable for me to be fat. which is wrong.

  What makes you strong: my journal, lattes, diet coke, and inspirational books

  When did it start: i’ve always been this way. especially in middle school. my best friend would always worry and ive always skipped meals but it was in highschool when i lost control got depressed and ate.

  What do you see when you look in the mirrors: round chubby face, fat arms no huge arms, flabby ass, chunky stomache. fat inner thighs.

  Is it for attention: Hahahaha. to be thin and look good? well I guess that may be what it centers around but the process? no.

  Are you the fat or the thin one in your group of friends: FAT.

  Are you depressed: I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me

  Ever tried to commit suicide: No.

  Ever cut yourself: Yes.

  Ever been to a psychologist: No, but I think I should.

  Lost weight: Yes.

  Gained weight: Yes.

  Do you drink: Yes

  Do you smoke: Yes.

  Do you ‘take’ drugs: No

  Does your weight affect your mood: Yes, definitely.

  Do you weigh yourself daily: YES

  Have you ever fasted: Yes.

  Have you ever skipped a meal: Yes.

  Have you ever thrown food up: Yes.

  I am—
  [] Anorexic
  [] EDNOS
  [] Bulimic
  [] Self diagnosis
  [] Living off diet pills
  [X] hungry
  [] drinking something
  [] eating something
  [] under 100 lbs
  [] starving myself
  [] vegan
  [X] vegetarian/pescetarian

  People…
  [] ask if i’m anorexic/bulimic or have an eating disorder
  [X] call me fat
  [] say i’m skinny
  [] say i’m ugly
  [X] talk about me behind my back
  [X] force me to eat
  [] say i eat too much
  [X] wish I’d eat more
  [X] don’t know i’m anorexic/bulimic
  [X] have tried to stop me

  I wish…
  [X] I was thin
  [X] I had a better body
  [X] I didn’t have to eat
  [x] I could control myself better
  [X] i could avoid food
  [X] i could hide what i am
  [X] i was prettier
  [] i could disappear

  I love…
  [X] being hungry
  [X] seeing a difference
  [X] shaking
  [X] being weak
  [X] losing weight
  [X] being anorexic/bulimic
  [X] green tea
  [X] diet pills
  [X] being able to turn down food
  [X] feeling good about myself

  Appearances…
  [X] I’m shorter than 5’4 
  [X] I think i’m ugly
  [X] I have self made scars
  [] I have a tattoo
  [] I wear glasses
  [X] been told i’m pretty by a stranger
  [X] have more than 2 piercings
  [X] have piercings besides my ears
  [] have freckles

  I hate…
  [X] when people stare
  [X] being asked questions
  [X] having to eat
  [X] wearing short skirts
  [X] being fat
  [X] looking ugly
  [X] feeling this way
  [] fat people

  I need…
  [X] people to stay out of my business
  [] more friends
  [X] someone to know
  [X] less food
  [X] more water
  [X] gym membership
  [] to lose 30 lbs
  [X] to lose 20 lbs
  [] to lose 10 lbs

30 day weight challenge yes?

30 Day Weight Challenge

01 - your stats.

02 - how tall are you? do you like your height?

03 - a picture of your thinspiration. what features do you like about this person?

04 - your greatest fears about weight loss.

05 - why do you really want to lose this weight? are you doing it for you?

06 - do you binge? if so, explain why you think you do.

07 - do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? do they care?

08 - your workout routine.

09 - did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

10 - what was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”

11 - your favorite thinspo blog and why!

12 - what do you normally eat?

13 - are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

14 - what’s your ugw? when you expect to reach it?

15 - are you vegan or vegetarian? if so, has this helped you lose weight? if not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

16- when did you first decide to lose weight?

17 - do you have an eating disorder?

18 - what food is your weakness?

19 - when is the last time you ate fast food?

20 - favorite diet?

21 - what are your clothing sizes?

22 - what was your lowest weight? how and why did you gain?

23 - did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?

24 - how do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia

25 - have you ever purged? if you have describe your first experience.

26 - what excites you most about reaching your ugw?

27 - how do you deal with being around food?

28 - do you want that “gap” between your legs? why?

29 - your definition of beauty.

30 -10 facts about you.